Hovering or Helping? DBT Skills for Helicopter Parents
Has anyone ever mentioned that you’re doing a lot for your teen or young adult child? Maybe you are very deeply involved in your young adult child’s life, almost to the point of total control? You may be a Helicopter parent.
Helicopter parenting is a type of parenting style
Helicopter parents get the name “Helicopter” because the parent seems to hover, like a helicopter, over their child’s every move. This style is an intense high involvement with a young adult’s life. Why care? Studies have shown that young adults who have helicopter parents struggle emotionally and mentally later in life.
How Helicopter Parenting Can Look
Joanna is 23. Her mom, Jane, is constantly controlling Joanna’s choices. Recently, Jane has pushed Joanna into attending community college over Joanna’s dream university.
Phil is 27 and his father, Grey is 60. Grey wanted to become a doctor when he was younger, but his family didn’t have enough to pay for school. Now Grey works as a medical biller, and pressures Phil to become a doctor, even though Phil has repeatedly stated he wants to be an architect.
It makes sense, as a parent, to want the best for your kid and to shelter them from danger. It’s perfectly normal to be anxious about your teen heading to college. We must learn to balance our need to provide a safe space and leave room for making mistakes. In DBT we call this, Walking the Middle Path.
If we are doing more work than our own adult children, this is a sign that we may be overparenting. One root of overparenting could be anxiety. We tend to this anxiety by controlling. We think, “If we can control it, we can preserve it,” and control all outcomes. Acting on this urge would like look calling your daughter’s University to check on grades, or requiring a check in. When we do this, it may feel good in the moment, but long term, our young adults could pay the price.
Another motivator for overparenting may be regret. When adults hit age 50, the joke is that we have our mid-life crisis. We look back and think “what if?” to reflect on our choices. This is happening at the same time most of our offspring may be reaching young adulthood. If we have regrets in our life, we may push others to avoid our mistakes. Studies show that parents who have higher rates of regret in life show increased behaviors of helicopter parenting by finding themselves trying to live through their child (Bachman, Nokali, Votruba-Drzal, 2010).
Long term effects
Researchers are curious about helicopter parenting and the role it may play in young adult mental health. In a study completed in 2017, researchers surveyed 118 college students on the domains of mental health, including social anxiety and well-being. The research data pointed towards decreased levels of self-worth for females with higher levels of helicopter parenting (Kouros, et all, 2017). Another study, which included American and Finnish young adults, suggested similar results. The association between helicopter parenting and the effect on young adults resulted in a decrease in ability to regulate emotions (Cui, et all, 2018). Other symptoms of helicopter parenting include perfectionism, poor self-regulation, and higher levels of narcissism, (Givertz, Motgomery, Woszidlo, 2013).
If you think you may be overparenting, or hovering, DBT skills can help.
Observe
The Observe skill is a part of the mindfulness skills. Observe allows us to think without judgement or labeling the experience. Just soaking in facts from our senses. You can pay attention to your physical sensations, urges, and emotions.
When you observe, you can catch yourself trying to fix or control your young adult. This will take practice. Observe your urge to control. Take a step back. Observe the uncomfortable feeling that comes with ignoring this urge. Then, distract yourself or engage in a grounding exercise. When you do this, feel proud of yourself.
STOP Skill
The Stop skill takes a lot of practice, but you feel great afterwards. When you observe the urge to control or help your young adult without being asked, STOP.
S: Stop. Imagine yourself stopping in place, physically stop yourself. Freeze.
T: Take a deep breath and take a step back. Sometimes a literal step back is needed. Give yourself time to respond skillfully by creating space.
O: Observe your urge, inside and out. Do you want to fix something? If so, that’s okay. Accept that you have the urge (and try not to judge it). You are in control of what happens next.
P: Proceed Mindfully. Proceed with a mind that is free of judgement, emotion, or urges for power. Choose to either engage in your urge, or to avoid your urge. Think of something else you can do instead of acting on your urge. You may need to distract yourself or practice paced breathing.
Build Mastery
If you’re feeling like regret may be fueling your hovering behavior, Building Mastery could help. People feel more empowered and in control of their lives when they cultivate positive emotions. Building Mastery encourages us to do something a little challenging every day to feel accomplished.
If we can challenge ourselves every day, we can begin to feel proud, happy and feel like we’re competent. The key is to focus on something a little challenging, not too hard, not too easy. It also helps avoid the typical “shoot for the stars goal” we may set that can set us up for failure. This could look like learning to cook a new dish or attending a new class. By taking the first step towards a goal, you increase your emotional resiliency and stretch your comfort zone by 1 inch.
It is truly a blessing for parents to be active in their young adult’s life. The key is to find balance to achieve joy and happiness for both parties, long term. By engaging in DBT skills, the hope is that those of us who struggle with being a helicopter parent can learn to face our own fears skillfully, and not at the expense of our young adult children.
References:
Cui, M., Janhonen-Abruquah, H., Darling, C. A., Carlos Chavez, F. L., & Palojoki, P. (2019). Helicopter Parenting and Young Adults’ Well-Being: A Comparison Between United States and Finland. Cross-Cultural Research, 53(4), 410–427. https://doi.org/10.1177/1069397118802253
The Association Between Overparenting, Parent-Child Communication, and Entitlement and Adaptive Traits in Adult Children
Chris Segrin,Alesia Woszidlo,Michelle Givertz,Amy Bauer,Melissa Taylor Murphy
El Nokali, N. E., Bachman, H. J., & Votruba-Drzal, E. (2010). Parent involvement and children's academic and social development in elementary school. Child development, 81(3), 988–1005. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2010.01447.x (Bachman, Nokali, Votruba-Drzal, 2010)