BOOK CHEAT AND REVIEW: THE HIGH CONFLICT COUPLE (Part III, the Finale)
It seems like all the time; I get a new book recommendation from another therapist. Most titles sound so great, but who has got the time to read them all? Where’s the Cliff’s notes versions? So, I’ve decided to make my own version, so, I’ll read the book, give you just enough information that it discusses, then, you can say, “oh, I have read that one” with confidence (and it’ll be our little secret that you didn’t).
The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation by Alan E. Fruzzetti
Today we finish off High Conflict Couple by looking at the last 5 chapters of the book. If you couldn’t catch my previous posts on the very important first half of the book, I highly recommend checking out the posts here :High Conflict Couple Blogs
Chapter 7: Validating Responses: What should we validate, and why?
One could argue to say that validation is one of the most precious tools DBT clinicians use while working with clients.
Validation is communicating understanding and accepting the current situation. It is NOT acceptance of a situation or an agreement. It is simply acknowledging, “I hear you, and anyone would feel this way,” is an example.
“Validation is important in interpersonal situations because it conveys an understanding to our partner that we understand them and we are here for them, Validation is a core component of affective communication, soothes frayed emotions, slows negative reactivity (including anger and judgments), facilitates negotiation, builds trust and closeness, and also enhances self-respect,”
In a perfect world, Fruzzetti explains that once we can accurately express ourselves to our partner, our partner will return the communication with validation, creating a welcoming environment for communication, and the cycle continues.
Ways Validation Can Help Partners:
1. Validation can soothe unwanted emotions therefore arousal may recede
2. Validation builds trust
3. Validation builds and shows respect for our partner
4. Validation decreases the chances us falling into emotion mind, therefore increasing our own self-respect if we handle a situation skillfully.
Targeting Validation: What can be validated?
We can validate reality: Validating reality is one of the first steps towards increasing your validation skills. Validating reality conveys an understanding of the very moment we are in.
We can validate feelings: No matter what happens, the emotions that our partner feels are real for whatever reason. We may not agree with the emotion that is being expressed, but the truth is, they feel this way for a reason.
Sometimes past experiences trigger emotions. It makes sense for your partner to act in this way because of their history. Validating someone’s past experiences can sound like, “It makes sense that when I’m late, you worry,” when your partner may have a history of abandonment, abuse, etc.
You can also validate by normalizing the reaction, “anyone would be upset if they just cleaned the house and someone walked through with mud on their shoes!” or “anyone would be fearful about accepting a new promotion,” and just like that, they may feel a bit better. Have you ever worried if your reactions or emotions are normal?
Other things we can validate: wants or desires, beliefs or opinions, actions, and even suffering.
Validation is not agreement, it is acceptance.
Chapter 8. Validating Responses: How to Validate your Partner
Validation can be verbal and physical. Validation can also be expressed in body language.
Do you actively listen to your partner?
Not only will active listening make validation much easier, but active listening will also give your partner a sense of being heard. Participating in nonjudgmental listening is also helpful, suggests Fruzzetti (Fruzzetti, 2006). Nonjudgmental listening includes being relaxed and putting down whatever you were working on before. Being present.
You can also read your partner’s body language. You may know they are feeling angry by their posture, facial expressions, and outward mood. Just saying (gently), “hey, you seem angry, are you okay?” can be validating.
A Validation Tip:
Our partner can accurately express themselves until they turn blue and we can still struggle to find something to validate. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Approach with curiosity. Gently asking them to explain further or to answer questions is another way to show your partner you care about their experiences.
Of course!
In a lot of situations, actions and feelings just make sense. Enter “of course” which is one of my favorite ways to start validation. “Of course” validation offers normalization. When your partner receives good news, of course they are happy. It just makes sense. To me, “of course” validation is simply connecting the dots.
Validation can come in the form of small gestures. This could be observing your partner sniffling on the couch, and you could simply bring them a tissue. It could be that they seem tired while driving, so offering to drive for a bit could be a way to validate their sleepiness.
To validate with actions, Fruzzetti suggests the following:
1. What are the facts? If your partner tells you they feel a way, take it at face value.
2. What does your partner need right now? A hug if they are sad? What can you do to help?
3. If you can respond without taking too much on yourself, do it. If you find yourself thinking you don’t want to, remember that this is someone you love, and you want them to feel better or comforted. If you cannot find a way to act, can you find a verbal way to validate instead?
Chapter 9. Recovering from Invalidation
Accepting our own situations and emotions can prove difficult.
Our experiences with invalidating comments, “I’ll give you something to cry about” or, “your emotions are too big” are all forms of invalidating comments.
Invalidation is being told that your emotions, needs or desires are wrong.
When someone invalidates us, we start to think in a “should” state of mind, I should be better, I should not want this. Over time, we may have received more invalidation than validation, so it can be hard to validate ourselves.
Accepting how we feel Is part of self-validation. Accepting our wants or needs is part of self-validation. Asking yourself, without judgements, what am I feeling, really? “You know what you feel, want, or think (or if you aren’t sure; “confusion” would be the accurate word to describe your mental state,” (Fruzzetti, 2006).
Self-validation may lead to noticing that we are suffering. We can be our harshest critic. Adding judgements to our thoughts increases our suffering. Your emotions are valid, and your needs are valid as well. Accept them.
Attempting to Avoid Invalidation
Invalidation can be a trap. Some couples have gotten so out of touch with their partners that invalidation is a default. We must learn and turn our minds towards validating our partners.
When we invalidate our partner, it can lead to criticism and judgements. Then, this trips off another round of invalidation from the other partner, due to their feelings being hurt. The cycle continues.
Fruzzetti encourages readers to avoid getting trapped by the invalidation cycle by doing the following:
1. Validate yourself first. Notice your emotions, accept them. Do you have an urge to attack? You can validate that too.
2. Soothing yourself, remind yourself you’re a human. Find something that can lower your arousal like going for a run or sit in the sun. Soothe yourself by offering yourself reassurance, try not to judge your emotions felt, or your partner.
3. Remind yourself of your long-term goals. Is acting on your urge to attack in line with your long-term goals (I doubt it)? What ways can I act towards my long-term goals?
4. Use empathy. Maybe you hurt your partner on accident. Imagining your partner feeling the same way you do in this moment can allow you to be mindful of their suffering. Are you contributing to their suffering? This is a person you love; you know. Why would we want them to suffer?
Chapter 10. Managing Problems and Negotiating Solutions
Once couples have learned the skill of effective communication, they are able to move onto problem solving.
The first step is to define the problem. Defining the problem seems like a no brainer, however, consider the possibility that each partner may disagree on the problem.
Have each partner define the problem, and possibly see how each partner’s side may cross. If she hates taking out the trash at night, and he hates waking up to a smelly kitchen, both problems can be solved with one solution. Of course, not all issues will be this easy.
Fruzzetti suggests that couples try to look at problems not as static, but as free flowing parts that will work best when both partners are flexible.
One way to drill down a problem is to describe (without judgement) an instance when the issue has occurred. This allows both partners to share each side of the situation.
Negotiation
What may be helpful to resolve a problem is a behavior chain. Both partners sit down and consider their thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that arise when the issue arises. Creating a behavior chain maps each partners thoughts, and leaves room for validation and understanding.
Once a behavior chain is complete, take on one conflict at a time. Behavior chains can break down one instance into several parts, “use the behavior chain analysis in two ways; identify your own reactions, judgements, and other unmindful behaviors, and use your skills to prepare yourself to act and react differently the next time; and go over the links or steps with each other, using all the validation skills outlined earlier,” (Fruzzetti, 2006).
Considering Solutions
Commit yourself to solving the problem, try not to commit to one solution.
Just like in the activities portion of this book, Fruzzetti suggests coming up with as many possibilities for solving the problem as possible. Stay fluid, a change may need to happen with both members of the party. In this step, remember to stay in wise mind. If you feel yourself being tugged towards emotion mind, take a break, gather yourself, and return to the assignment.
An Agreement
Observe the list of solutions between both parties. What solutions do you like the best? Which solutions would require a lot of change? Maybe both of you came up with solutions you both equally hate. Strike those off the list.
Remember to do your best to stay in wise mind while discussing solutions.
Also, negotiate means that trading or bartering is allowed. Maybe one partner is willing to pick up the kids from soccer if the other is willing to prep dinner that evening. Negotiation can involve give and take.
Eventually an agreement will be found. When you both are agreeable to a solution, write it down, then, step away, “let the agreement settle” says Fruzzetti (Fruzzetti, 2006).
Later, when the both of you agree on a time, take another look at the solution. Sometimes after 24 hours the solution may not look as great as you thought. You can go back and rewrite if you need to. Or, agree on the agreement, and decide when to start the solution.
After some time, check back on the solution. Is this working out well for both parties? If the solution isn’t working out great, notice without judgement, and return back to negotiation. It is perfectly normal for the first solution to not be the best. Commit to trying new solutions if one is not working. If a plan finally does stick, celebrate!
Chapter 11. Transforming Conflict into Closeness
The last chapter of High Conflict Couple explains that life will happen. Situations that cause suffering will no doubt happen. What we can do is learn how to let go of suffering within ourselves. The book explains that, by using the skills discussed in the chapters before, we can learn to decrease our suffering.
Change
We have a choice, to accept the changes around us or to fight them.
Imagine you fall into a river. If you do not accept that you’ve fallen, imagine how this could cause suffering. You’ll flail your arms around until you’re tired and maybe meet your demise! If you accept that you fell, you may have some pain (intense swimming, fear) but ultimately, you’ll figure out how to navigate to the shore.
This can be said for changes in life too. We will suffer if we get attached to ideas or things that are no longer available. We suffer if we do not accept things as they are, this could result in frustration in not getting what we need.
If we can accept a problem and accept what is our reality, we can then begin to change our outcome or reframe it in our minds. You cannot fix a leaky roof without first accepting that there is a leak.
Wanting our Partners to Change:
It is not uncommon for us to want to change things about our partner. These things can be little, like a partner throwing their socks on the floor RIGHT next to our laundry bin or leaving the toilet paper roll unchanged with no paper on it. Those little things that drive us crazy.
Fruzzetti suggests the following for these tiny instances that annoy us:
1. Stop trying to change your partner. Fully commit to this.
2. Accept that this is their behavior. This gets you out of the change mindset.
3. Notice how you try to enforce change. Is it nagging or bugging them? Then stop these tactics.
4. Accept the emotions you feel from accepting the behavior and halting the complaining.
The emotion you feel after accepting your partners behavior may include disappointment. Disappointment hurts and it is a natural reaction to us not getting our way.
Validate, soothe and get yourself moving says Fruzzetti, in order to move through the disappointment.
Anger may appear with judgements towards our partner. This is normal. Remember that you have committed to stopping your nagging behavior, and the emotions that you are feeling will eventually pass.
Over time, you will feel proud of yourself for letting these things go, then eventually you build up a tolerance. Notice how your own suffering has gone down due to your tolerance. Once that happens, you are done, and can move on.
“Acceptance is not intuitive”
What if we considered that our partner behaves this way because of their past? How does this behavior make sense? “Notice and pay more attention to the things you have been missing that are important and try to pay less attention to the things that are problematic,” (Fruzzetti, 2006).
If we try to understand your partners behavior, we may become empathic towards our partners behaviors. This gives us the emotional space for closeness.
Lastly, how you want to spend your days with your partner?
Life is not forever. How is your energy best used? Creating a loving and accepting atmosphere for both partners, or will be choose to act in a way that involves more conflict? You have the choice. Once you’ve made your choice to create a loving atmosphere for your partner, continually turn your mind towards this choice.
And with that, we finish High Conflict Couple. What a great read. This book was seriously chalk full of information I find myself quoting pretty often. I give Fruzzetti the highest marks on this book and the work honestly makes me crave more information that Fruzzetti has to share!
If you’re thinking about picking it up. I highly recommend it. My only warning is to be aware that even though this book airs on the skinny side, it is FULL of page-to-page information. I am grateful to share this book cheat experience with you.