Book Cheat and Review: The High Conflict Couple
The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation by Alan E. Fruzzetti
It seems like all the time; I get a new book recommendation from another therapist. Most titles sound so great, but who has the time to read them all? Where’s the Cliff’s notes versions? So, I have decided to make my own version, so, I’ll read the book, give you just enough information that it discusses, then, you can say, “oh, I have read that one” with confidence (and it’ll be our little secret that you didn’t).
The High Conflict Couple by Dr. Alan E Fruzzetti, is a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) informed relationship guide to assist couples in regulating their emotions, becoming mindful of one another, and remaining skillful during conflict. Fruzzetti has studied with Dr. Marshall Linehan, the creator of DBT, who writes high praises for Fruzzetti in her forward. I look at this as truly receiving Marsha’s blessing in regards to the skills and tactics discussed.
I just feel better knowing Marsha approves.
The High Conflict Couple was published in 2006 and I firmly believe that it still holds value today. It is a timeless skill to be mindful. As long as there are families and couples, staying mindful about yourself and others will be helpful navigating everyday life.
I have decided to really soak in this information and divide the book into THREE parts. The book has eleven chapters, so I will be discussing the first three as they seem to flow together. Honestly, there is so much wonderful information it was hard to narrow this post down to a few paragraphs.
The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation by Alan E. Fruzzetti
Fruzzetti describes the most optimal way to enter conflict: Partners mention issues that bother them when they are relevant, and they do so in a nonaggressive, descriptive, and clear way. The other partner listens, tries to understand and communicates that understanding even when he or she disagrees,” (page 9).
Reading this “ideal plan” that Fruzzetti has for his couples honestly sounds wonderful, and for a skeptic like me, it sounds hard to achieve. Which I think is his reason to write this book; to provide the reader with ways to achieve this dream like interpersonal goal.
Chapter 1: Understanding Emotion in Relationships
Luckily for us, Fruzzetti defines emotion regulation off the bat. This is great for folks who aren’t in therapy, or are just picking up the lingo. Emotion dysregulation is defined, in this text, as high emotional arousal.
Fruzzetti points out that being upset or sad is NOT emotion dysregulation, because being sad can be navigated skillfully. Emotion Dysregulation is simply a state where our emotions are running high and our ability to act skillfully, is running low.
The first chapter introduces the idea that if couples can become mindful and regulate their emotions, this increases their ability to regulate thoughts and responses, which may lead to a better outcome during conflicts.
Fruzzetti goes on to define three important factors that influence our vulnerability to negative emotions. These three topics include sensitivity, reactivity, and time to equilibrium.
Sensitivity
Sensitivity differs in every single person. These low or high emotional sensitivity indicators influence how people respond to unsettling situations. Fruzzetti reminds us that we can be sensitive towards specific topics and that sensitivity can vary due to past traumas. By understanding and becoming mindful of sensitivity in our partner and ourselves we can use this information to increase our probability of affective interactions.
Reactivity
It can be helpful for us to look at the factors that make us vulnerable on a continuum. Some of us react in big ways and some of us react in small ways. Our reactions communicate what we are feeling. Learning how to regulate and express what we are feeling in terms of our reactions is especially important.
Time to Reach Equilibrium
Time to reach equilibrium is defined as the time that it takes for us to reach our baseline level of emotional arousal (pg. 6). We all have a state where we are feeling neutral, this is our baseline. Returning to baseline takes time for some people, and for others it is achievable much more quickly. Knowing when you and your partner are not at baseline is helpful. When we observe we are too far from our equilibrium, we can take a step back and take a break. When we are closest to our baseline, we can think and act more skillfully.
There is no doubt that emotions will run high in our relationships. I love the way Fruzzetti normalizes conflict and high emotions. He explains that when we are facing high emotional arousal there are three things that can happen:
We lose sight of logical thinking
We add fuel to our negative thoughts
Our judgments increase
When we lose sight of acting skillfully, we lose the ability express ourselves accurately.
Accurate expression is such an underdiscussed topic. Sometimes, we feel sad but, it comes out as anger. This is an inaccurate expression. It confuses our partner, and probably confuses ourselves too. When we express our emotions inaccurately, it can lead to judgments that heighten our arousal. When to many judgements flood our minds, this also increases our chances of saying hurtful things we do not mean. Primary emotions like sadness, are the ones we want to express.
We want to make our feelings as clear as we can for our partner.
Fruzzetti goes on to explain types of conflict patterns that exist in relationships. These include the constructive behavior pattern (our goal to work towards), the mutual avoidance pattern, the destructive engagement pattern and the engage-distance pattern. By understanding which pattern we might fall into, we can try to effectively navigate our conflicts with our partner. It’s validating to read that the way we interact with our partner is normal and that other couples face the same challenges.
Chapter 2: Accepting Yourself and Your Partner
Reciprocity: The understanding that our actions affect other people.
Simply put, in the means of a high conflict couple, we drop the “me” and pick up the “we” frame of mind. Commit to being a team and understand that your partners concerns are also yours. What you give you will receive. Sometimes with those were the closest to, it is easy to forget reciprocity. Furthermore, after lots of conflict, it can be hard for couples to see their loved on as on their team, or even see the love that you have for your partner.
Fruzzetti encourages us to practice noticing our partner and our love whenever we are not highly aroused. Notice how deep you feel your love towards your partner. By doing this whenever you are in a low arousal state, it is easier for you to remember your love for your partner in times of high emotional arousal.
The Three States of Mind
In DBT, we study the three states of mind. Emotion mind, reasonable mind, and wise mind. All three states of mind are necessary. A wise mind blends our emotional self with our logical self. Wise mind enables us to act and think clearly.
Getting into wise mind can be hard. To do this, we can describe without judgment, only using facts. This can be hard at first, think of it a muscle to keep working out. You can describe the room your partners clothes how long their hair is. When a partner tells you that they love you, describe the situation. What does our body language say?
By describing and using facts to describe, we can see through our clouds of judgment. Remember that judgments are assumptions, not facts. Facts are things we can describe using our five senses.
Judgments are typically things that we want to change.
When we harness the power of describing, we become more mindful of our surroundings, our partner, and your arousal level. The power of describing allows us to be present and mindful. We can really notice what our partner is saying.
When you are listening to your partner are you actively listening? Are you noticing the tone in their voice, or are you planning what to say next? If you are the type who plans what they want to say, remind yourself to stay in the moment.
Your presence is the best present that you can give to your partner.
Chapter 3: How to Stop Making Things Worse
One of the most important things about DBT therapy is commitment. This major theme in DBT is not ignored in High Conflict Couple. Fruzzetti encourages us to commit to having self-control. He defines commitment as, “practicing alternative reactions ahead of time until they become automatic,” (pg. 30)
When you commit to not making things worse you commit to becoming mindful of your urges you may have and coaching yourself through them.
Commit to not winning or losing fights. Commit to finding a win-win approach. You can choose a win-win approach by committing to being mindful when you are arguing. Sometimes our self-righteousness gets in the way when we are arguing, and this may exacerbate judgments we may have. It is our human instinct to defend ourselves. When we are mindful of our partner, we may see that self-righteousness may be making things worse. It is easy to try to match the energy that your partner has during conflict.
The most courageous thing that you can do is refuse to fight until death and recognize that the both of you need a break. When you refuse to fight until death, you are able to keep yourself respect. This also tells your partner, “I care enough about this relationship to stop what we are doing,” and that a seriously great gift to give (and receive).
Triggers:
Fights can be unpredictable. However, something we can predict are topics or notions that can be a trigger for us.
Triggers are something that triggers an emotional response. The thing about triggers is that the more we can anticipate and prepare for them, the less power they will have over us. It can feel like triggers are an automatic response. The response that you feel when triggered has been reinforced over years of repetition. This sounds bleak at first, and it also means that you are able to replace your responses with another skill by practicing, committing, and repeatedly using that skill.
A skill that can be used when triggers may lie ahead is Cope Ahead. Cope Ahead is when we plan for adverse conditions. Identifying your triggers and your partners triggers can be a wonderful way to understand what kind of language is the most and least effective when we face conflict. If we have the urge to be destructive, Fruzzetti gives us three ways to help us respond:
Stop a minute and observe and describe the situation
Visualize the positive consequences of acting skillfully
Think ahead and visualize negative consequences if we do not act skillfully
Fruzzetti encourages us to practice noticing our urges whenever we are in a low state of dysregulation so we can get ourselves in tune with practicing the skillful kind of response. This mirrors what is also what we promote in DBT sessions. Practice is key.
Remember, that all of these skills and suggestions are suggestions to practice. We may want to do these things instinctually, and this will take time. Practice these skills. If you struggle, try not to judge your struggle, look at is as an attempt, and keep on trying. Small steps toward our journey will eventually accumulate into larger habits. Enjoy your journey with your partner.
As you can see, this book is so full of information. Next week, we look at the next three chapters and how we can fully be present with our partner.
