Relationship Acceptance
Ending relationships with someone we care about can catapult us into emotion mind. Emotion mind will keep us in a pattern of suffering if we are not skillful. An incredibly helpful skill in this situation is one of my favorites,
Radical Acceptance.
Radical acceptance
Radical acceptance, I will say, is one of the toughest yet most rewarding DBT skills that we can practice. To understand radical acceptance, we must first accept that there is an issue. Have you ever tried to fix a problem that doesn’t exist? By accepting reality, we can begin to move forward and reduce our suffering.
Why the word radical?
First of all, fun fact; The word Radical comes from the Latin term, radicalis, which means root (thanks, Merriam-Webster).
With the word radical, it means 100%. Every single cell, organ, part of our brain accepts what is in front of us when you radically accept a situation. You believe the situation exists without fighting it. Or, thinking back to the Latin term, if we accept something all the way down to our roots, then we have fully accepted the situation at hand.
By accepting that a relationship is over, we are acknowledging this change. This is our reality, and it is what it is. I want to emphasize that this is not easy. It’s a new DBT muscle we’ll have to work on again and again.
Radical acceptance also places an emphasis on everything having a cause. Everything in our lives happens to us for a reason, even if we don't like it.
What happens if reality sucks so hard that we don't accept it?
Rejecting reality doesn't change anything that's happening. Rejecting reality doesn't change our outcomes or our moods. In fact, it keeps us stuck in a non-realistic way of thinking. What does this look like? An example I will share are shoulds, “things should have ended differently,” or, “we should still be together.”
When we become aware of our shoulds, it allows us to take pressure off ourselves and what we believe reality should be. If we are stuck thinking that our life should be different than what it is, this leads to suffering. Have you ever pushed off a problem and then it grew into something much worse? This is an example of rejecting reality and how it does not change even if we reject it.
Radical acceptance is hard. I cannot stress this enough. Turning the mind is a special skill that helps us with Radical Acceptance.
Turning the Mind
When I describe turning the mind to clients, it reminds me of turning a car over multiple times to get it started. It is the same thing that we can do with our brains to accept reality. We must turn our minds toward acceptance as opposed to non-acceptance. Getting that car to finally start means we have accepted what is in front of us, and we can finally drive down the path to acceptance and high tail it out of suffering.
What does turning the mind look like? This can be telling yourself phrases when you find yourself shoulding like, “this separation is painful, I'm hurt, and this will not last forever. Everything has a cause.” Or, telling yourself “I am feeling sad, things did not turn out how I'd like them to, and I can stand this pain.”
Turning the mind isn’t a one time thing. It can be practiced multiple times a day, or even multiple times an hour. That’s okay. Use it as needed. Try not to judge yourself or think harshly about how often you are turning your mind. It’s okay, it’s a process.
Radical Acceptance of an ending relationship is a natural, painful part of our lives and it does not have to last forever. Commit to accept reality as it is. Remind yourself what reality is by turning your mind. By accepting our reality, we can face it, find meaning, and come out a bit stronger than we thought.