Surviving the holidays with DBT skills
Happy holidays? As if. The holidays can be such a stressful time of the year. Not only are we increasing our interactions with others, but we are also facing pressure and increased stress due to interactions with family, financial costs, and the external pressure of having the most decorated house on the block.
So, how do we deal with this holiday stress? DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) offers skills that can help a person cope through intense emotions and general unpleasant activities and situations.
By employing the following DBT skills, we can effectively navigate the holidays and stay as skillful as possible.
Here are some DBT skills to keep in mind this holiday season:
GIVE
The first skill that comes to mind whenever I think of the holidays is the GIVE skill. This is an interpersonal effectiveness skill that allows us to keep our relationships intact. The GIVE skill can be used when we want to keep a relationship with a person or improve the relationship.
(Be) Gentle: Simply put being gentle is just being nice and respectful. This means that we aren't speaking to this person in a harsh way, we are trying to avoid judgements and we aren't attacking or threatening another person. it is also important to consider are nonverbal communication. Think about what our body’s responses look like to being annoyed: crossed arms, eye rolling. You get the picture.
(Act) Interested: I want to put an emphasis on the word act. You don't have to genuinely be interested in a conversation. Listening to their point of view can be really helpful and validating to the other person. Generally, people like people who are interested in them. By acting interested you are acknowledging that this person is worth your time.
Validate: Validation communicates that a person's thoughts and emotions make sense and are understandable given the situation. It does not mean you approve… Let me repeat that for those in the back… it does not mean that you approve. The D in DBT stands for dialectical. This means that we are trying to see both sides. When we practice validation, we are acknowledging the other person’s side.
(Use an) Easy Manner: to maintain or improve a relationship, it’s a lot easier when the person likes us. By using an easy manner we're making the other person feel comfortable which in term means they’re starting to like us. Using an easy manner can look like smiling or using humor.
Yes, this is a terrible acronym, but as awful as the acronym is, is how great the skill is once we use it.
One-Mindfully
One Mindfully is just part of one of the mindfulness skills used in DBT. One Mindfully encourages us to focus on one thing in the moment. During the holiday time it can be so easy to slip into multitasking mode. We have a million things to do so of course we want to do more than one thing at a time.
However, research demonstrates that we are unable to do two things at a time. What we're really doing is just switching between tasks quickly.
To use One Mindfully what you want to do is throw yourself into one task at a time. You want to pull yourself into the present moment and soak in the moment. Like when you are using that turkey baster or you’re enjoying a cup of coco with your partner, instead of worrying about emails piling up at work. When you practice one mindfully, really try to drink in what is going on with your five senses.
One Mindfully is not easy. One trick that I have learned is that if you plan to use One Mindfully it's a lot easier. For example, plan to use One Mindfully when you are eating or taking a shower. You might see a difference in the way you carry out these actions.
Opposite to Emotion Action
Opposite to emotion action is a skill that we discuss in the emotion regulation module. Opposite Action is literally us doing the opposite of what our emotion is telling us to do. By doing this, we are not engaging in those urges that we feel when we feel certain emotions. This can end cycles that we find ourselves in.
The best way I can describe opposite to emotion is basically us putting our energy into something that may eventually make us feel better or create the last amount of destruction possible. To use opposite to emotion effectively you must first identify the emotion that you're feeling. Maybe you are feeling anxious because you’re invited to a work party, and you’ve never met your co-workers in person. Your first urge might be to RSVP as “can’t go” and avoid the situation. If you were to use Opposite Action, you push yourself to go to the party, which could ultimately lead to making great friends and memories with your co-workers.
Now, I do have 2 warnings for this skill.
The first is that we need to use Opposite Action all the way. What that means is that this cannot be a skill you half do. For example, if you're going to a party try not to stand in the corner and be a wallflower. Just engage with what you are doing. I won't lie to you that this is a difficult skill, but when you commit. it can really be worth it. The second warning I have with this skill is that there are times when Opposite Action isn’t appropriate. We have to make sure that the emotion or our response fits the situation. For example, you're walking home from holiday shopping and there's a dark alley your initial reaction is to stay away from the dark alley because you feel unsafe. This is a time where we don't want to use Opposite Action.
These are just a few skills that you can use and keep in the forefront of your mind to affectively navigate the holidays. The GIVE skill is a great skill to use when you are talking with people that you want a relationship with. One Mindfully is a great skill to use when we're feeling overwhelmed. Opposite Action can be used when we have the urge to engage in behavior that could be self-destructive.
Ask yourself, is what I am doing creating my goal of a life worth living? If your actions don’t fit your morals, values or goals, it may be time to use a DBT skill. Slow down, enjoy your holiday time, and make it how you want. Make it a holiday time worth celebrating.