The High Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation by Alan E. Fruzzetti

It seems like all the time; I get a new book recommendation from another therapist. Most titles sound so great, but who has got the time to read them all? Where’s the Cliff’s notes versions? So, I’ve decided to make my own version, so, I’ll read the book, give you just enough information that it discusses, then, you can say, “oh, I have read that one” with confidence (and it’ll be our little secret that you didn’t).

I've decided to really soak in this information and divide the book into THREE parts. The book has 11 chapters, so thank you for tuning in for part two of High Conflict. This post will cover chapters four, five and six.

Chapter 4: Being “Together” When You Are Together

Over time couples are exposed to many types and intensities of conflict. This may push partners apart, and even create a defensive wall between partners. Fruzzetti validates and combats this situation by offering a “charging station” alternative.

The Charging Station

In a nutshell, Fruzzetti encourages the reader to have a spot in the home that you attend to one a day to reflect on your partner.

The Charging Station must be conflict free through your history. Visit this spot in the home and think of your partner in a positive mindset. you’re unable to find a spot, Fruzzetti recommends a photo album of good times could be a great way to recharge.

When we can recharge and think positively, we are cultivating positive thoughts towards our partner increasing our kindness towards them. This practice must be done mindfully for it to work correctly. Half-assing and flipping through a photo album is not going to generate the positivity towards your partner that is required.

Time Together

Loneliness and the word couple aren’t typically used together, but it is natural for couples with conflict to feel distance between one another.

Fruzzetti breaks down time together as active or passive.

Passively being together with your partner means that you might not be interacting with your partner you may not be focusing on your partner, but you are together.

This might look like watching a Netflix show together. It also might look like dinner together but both partners are thinking of other things. We may be physically close to our partner, but the reality is we are not establishing and fostering closeness when we are not mentally present with our partner.

Actively being together means that you are giving your partner full attention. When you are present you are occupying the same emotional space and there is no pressure to do or say anything.

If we become aware of each other's presence and aware of your thoughts and gently bringing them to the current situation you can turn the situation into being together actively. Increase your awareness of one another, let go of judgments, and remember that your presence is the best present you can give your partner.

Chapter 5: Reactivating your Relationship

At one point, we did find our partner interesting, attractive, and we found them to be someone we want to be around. Chapter 5 focuses on rediscovering what attracts and creates bonds with your partner.

Have Fun Together

Have you ever noticed that we put fun activities on the backburner? It’s easy to prioritize the must do’s and the should do’s over recreation.

When was the last time you did something as a couple? Think back to the beginning stages of your relationship. Did you ever attend double dates with another couple? Attending events as a couple strengthens your identity as a couple. If you can attend events as a couple, you’ll begin to bond with your partner, and feel a sense of pride when together.

A List of Activities

Start small. You want a LOT of activities you can do. Aim for things you could do daily or weekly. It can be tempting to just plan a vacation, however, it’s important to have activities on your list that are free, work well with your schedules, and that are small and achievable.

If you have kids, consider inviting them along in your activities, or finding a sitter (or trading childcare with another couple who hopes to get out).

Plan things you already know you love and try new experiences. Inexpensive things to do could include museums or even reading together. There ARE things you can plan, approach your list with creativity. Problem solve together to achieve the longest possible list you can create.

Relearn the Joy and Redefine Sex

A healthy sex life indicates a healthy relationship. Over time, couples can drift apart after conflict and sexual desire can wane, it is quite normal. Fruzzetti has suggestions on how to approach a high conflict sex life as well.

The first step to revamping your sexual connection is to understand where each partner stands. Maybe she wants more sexual activity, and he is less interested. Do things that keep your self-respect and allow your partner to do the same.

Sex does not just involve intercourse. The book describes sexual activities as caressing or cuddling in a sexual way, talking about sexual activities and finally, physical touch.

Once you’ve both understood one another, and accepted that sex does not mean just intercourse, you can then move on to being mindful with your partner in a sexual way. This means noticing the attraction you feel towards your partner. Noticing the sensations and sexual arousal. Keep your attention on the activity and your partner. If you find yourself wandering, bring yourself back.

Sex is not easy; I think of it like a muscle for couples.

Over time, you figure out what works. Some couples luck out and can connect sexually easily. Some couples may have to work on it. It can be hard to talk about sex with your partner, however, if we hide our wants and needs from our partner, how can we ever improve? Talking with your partner about dislikes (and especially likes) is key. The more you talk about sex, the easier it becomes.

Reconnecting While Apart

Though it sounds counter intuitive, spending time apart from your partner can also be helpful.

Partners that have lives outside of the relationship thrive. By having the life outside of your partner, you can both engage in activities you enjoy. You can make friends, therefore relieving your partner of any strains of having to restrict their own activities. Plus, having other hobbies that you do not share with your partner allows for something to talk about.

Fruzzetti states that in order for time apart to be effective, we must do three things;

1.       Balance your independent time and your time with your partner equally. Try to satisfy your partner as well as yourself.

2.       Support each other in your interests. It can be easy to feel left out when our partner engages in independent activities. Being mindful of how these independent activities help your partner gain energy and helps them maintain their well-being, is important here.

3.       Talk about what happens when you are apart. This builds trust. Tell your partner about your time at the golf course. This also gives each partner a chance to discuss and support each other’s hobbies and interests. Talk about why this interest is important to them and what made it the most enjoyable.

No Strings Policy

Keeping score is for sports, not relationships.

Small affectionate gestures can be contagious. Doing something small just because you want to make your partner feel good can send big messages.

Have you ever gotten an, “I miss you,” text from your partner randomly?

The book suggests making a list of small things you can do for your partner and trying this out every day. These tasks can be as simple as leaving a note on the counter for them to see, asking if they need a drink while they are sitting and reading, or doing a chore that they typically do, for them.

Noticing when your partner performs small gestures is as equally important as doing them. Take the moment to enjoy the affection and the attention you are receiving. Notice the positive way you feel after the interaction can have and important effect on your relationship.

Chapter 6: Accurate Expression

It’s time to talk!

Talking to your partner, as Fruzzetti explains, is a two-step dance. One partner will accurately express their concerns, the other partner receives the message and responds in a validating way. When this happens, partner one’s emotions feel validated, and your partner is able to remain emotionally regulated.  Of course, when we are regulated, we can respond mindfully and thoughtfully.

Practice Mindfulness Before Approaching Your Partner

Before you approach your partner, there are a few things you can do to prepare yourself.

The first thing that you can do is check in with the situation at hand, specifically, is your partner already emotionally aroused? Observe their body language to see if any distress is there.

Now, check in with yourself. What is the primary emotion that you are feeling? Sadness, anger, worry? Be vulnerable and honest with yourself when you do this. It is the first step towards accurate expression. If you notice any dysregulation, practice self-regulation skills to achieve neutrality prior to sitting down with your partner.

Consider your timing! Time your approaches in a mindful manner. If you know your partner is not a morning person, it makes sense to raise your concerns in the afternoon when they’ve perked up.  

Inaccurate expression

Inaccurate expression has two ways of appearing;

1.       Communication that is inaccurate; maybe you fail to convey the true message

2.       Anything you might say that is accurate but may put a barrier on your goals. This is considered inaccurate because what is expressed does not match the desired outcome

Secondary Emotions

Sometimes our initial reactions are not our primary emotions.

Our primary emotions consist of fear, guilt, joy, shame, etc. Our secondary emotions are the emotions we act out. For example, we could be sad because we miss our partner, and lash out at them for not spending more time with us.

When expressing our primary, most felt emotions, we can communicate effectively.

Judgments and Anger

Remember that we want to be mindful of our judgments. Typically, when we are judgmental, it throws fuel into our fire of anger. Fruzzetti suggests that if you find yourself becoming angry, try to notice if you are having judgements. If you do have judgments, try to use the describe skills, discussed in my earlier blog, to break free from the judgmental clouds.

Our Own Self Judgements

Sometimes our own self judgments of what we want or need can lead to humiliation and feeling ashamed. Your wants and needs are justified, and it can be easy to undervalue something we want. Become honest with yourself and accept that it is human to want and need things. This can be scary and opens us up to vulnerability and possibly feeling disappointed. Disappointment is a fact of life.  

Both joy and pain will exist in our lives, and there is no use trying to avoid either.

On the other hand, you might think that everything is important and overvalue your own wants.

How will your partner know what is truly important if everything is important? If everything is important to you, your partner may feel less apt to respond causing you to feel again, disappointed. Finding a middle path to walk with your wants and needs is a skill to be practiced along with acceptance of these wants and needs.

Know your Goals and Intent

Knowing your goals in communication is essential for accurate expression. There are three types of goals that we might aim to achieve. These goals include emotional, practical or, relational.

Emotional Goals

An emotional goal is that we want our partner to step up, soothe us, and validate us. There are two strategies you can use to have your emotional goals met

1.       Clarify what you want in this interaction. Is it validation or a hug?

2.       Describe the situation and focus on your feelings. Telling your partner that you're sad can go a long way

Practical goals

This is when we want help with a concern, or we want to activate change. If problem solving is what you crave, telling your partner you’d like their thoughts on a situation invites problem solving into the conversation and gets your point across.

Relational Goals

These are goals that surround trying to improve our relationship. Tackling relational goals can be tough, however, Fruzzetti offers these suggestions

1.       Assess to see if a lack of closeness could be affecting the relationship

2.       If closeness is affecting their relationship describe your feelings

3.       Clarify your goal

4.       Then create a statement on how you'd like to fix the issue

The steps above allow us to open up an opportunity to validate one another's feelings toward our topic and creates a neutral, problem solving atmosphere for all parties involved.

More quick tips on accurate expression:

1.       Be aware of your body language, tone, and facial expressions and how our partner may react to them.

2.       When communicating, be sure to be present. Make sure the kids are not interfering or that neither of you are on your phones.

3.       Make sure you are well fed, took your own medications, and you are feeling okay. Physical well-being plays a large role in our emotions.

4.        Communicate early and often that you like your partner

After reading and dissecting these three chapters, I realized the abundance of awesome information that Fruzzetti shares with us. The next blog will wrap up The High Conflict Couple’s last chapters that cover Validation, Invalidation and managing conflict with problem solving.