In a previous blog, I talked about what gets in the way of self-compassion and shared a link to test how self-compassionate you are. Since then, I have done more reading and thinking about how to cultivate self-compassion and the benefits of being kind to yourself.

In a nutshell, the research concludes MBCT reduces the risk of recurrent depression by increasing self-compassion and breaking the habit of negative thinking.

This discovery led me down a path which led me to a literature review suggesting DBT might also increase self-compassion. This opened a floodgate of curiosity, starting with the question “What is self-compassion, anyway?”

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION?

Self-compassion encompasses three inter-related aspects of our being mind as opposed to our doing mind. As a friend used to say, “We are human beings, not human doings.”

Self-compassion entails self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. In other words, it is:

• being kind and understanding toward oneself, especially in times of pain or failure 

• perceiving one’s own suffering as part of a larger human experience, thus connecting us to others 

• holding painful feelings and thoughts in mindful awareness 

Often the case, it may be easier to grasp what self-compassion is by looking at its opposites, perhaps self-loathing or uncaring self-neglect. These entail:

• being mean, indifferent or invalidating toward ourselves, piling on with self-judgment and self-blame in times of pain or failure 

• perceiving one’s own suffering to be uniquely individual and thus isolating from others, leaving us feeling alone and empty 

• over-identifying with painful feelings and thoughts, such as “I’m unworthy or unlovable” or feelings of guilt and shame 

Self-compassion is not a destination or an all-or-nothing proposition, something we have or don’t have.

Rather, it is a process, a journey, something we move toward or away from moment to moment

What are the benefits of Self-Compassion versus Self-Esteem?

A recent article in the Huffington Post compares the benefits of self-esteem to those of self-compassion, writing. Kristin Neff is founder of SelfCompassion.org at University of Texas and perhaps the leading researcher on self-compassion in the nation today.

Neff’s research has found that, “in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with “greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.”

Self-esteem can be problematic, because it’s often contingent on what we accomplish. It can rise and fall with our successes and failures and provide just the fuel we need to rev up our critical inner voice. In contrast, self-compassion involves a consistent attitude of kindness and acceptance toward ourselves as a whole.

What benefits will I unlock practicing Self-Compassion?

Many different research studies suggest the benefits of self-compassion are numerous. The following benefits are significantly associated with self-compassion in one or more studies.

• Increased well-being defined as sense of purpose in life, a sense of self-mastery, low perceived stress, low negative affect, and high satisfaction with life 

• More positive thinking and less negative thinking 

• Reduced rumination and worry 

• Increased satisfaction 

• Reduced depression and anxiety 

• Reduced risk of relapse or recurrent depression 

• Increased feelings of connection, worthiness and acceptability 

• Less anxiety and sadness 

• Reduced self-consciousness 

• Less irritability and anger 

• Increased happiness 

• Improved emotion regulation 

• Increased emotional intelligence 

• Increased sense of mastery as defined by curiosity, individuals setting their own standards (as opposed to societal standards) and enjoyment 

• Increased motivation 

• Decreased performance anxiety 

• Decreased procrastination and maladaptive perfectionism 

• Increased agreeableness defined by trust, compliance, straightforwardness, altruism, modesty, and tender-mindedness 

• Less maladaptive need to please others and greater ability to say no 

• Increased ability to be self-reflective 

• Greater ability to see reality as it is 

• Greater initiative to make changes needed for a fulfilling life 

• Increased conscientiousness 

I was skeptical… were you?

Skip this paragraph unless you are skeptical, as I was.

It seems reasonable to be skeptical at this point. How could one characteristic have such an all-encompassing effect? Remember, these are statistically significant associations. Association does not prove a causal relationship (even if I may have inadvertently implied direction of causality with verbs). However, the sheer number of associations suggests self-compassion likely contributes to or causes some of the benefits. In many cases, there likely exists a self-reinforcing circular cycle of causation.

What can I do to increase my self-compassion?

Mindfulness is the foundation of cultivating self-compassion but is not sufficient by itself. Developing a regular practice of mindfulness founded on meditation practice is among the most important things you can do at home. That said, learning mindfulness is more easily done in a group with instruction.

Mindfulness is fundamental to acceptance and you can’t change anything if you don’t accept the reality of what is.

In more detail but still incomplete, this means:

• Noticing or being aware without striving or judgment 

• An intentional way of being 

• Embracing wanted and unwanted thoughts and emotions, without preference 

• Being present in the moment with thoughts, emotions, body sensations and urges 

• Cultivating curiosity, acceptance, kindness, compassion 

• Practicing paying attention again, again and again 

As often is the case, mindfulness may be easier to understand in terms of what it is not.

• About doing, e.g., relaxing, clearing the mind, concentrating (although these may be a side benefit) 

• A collection of techniques 

• Willing yourself to be peaceful 

• Striving or grasping for a particular kind of experience 

• Only focus or attention 

• About changing yourself 

• Meditation (meditation is a means to mindfulness but may also transcend mindfulness) 

• Willpower 

Mindfulness is paradoxical.

One writer illustrates, explaining:

• It is the opposite of being distracted, yet you can be mindful of being distracted. 

• It is the opposite of being on autopilot, yet after enough practice it becomes more-or-less automatic. 

• Relaxation, concentration and a clear mind are not the goal of mindfulness meditation but may result as a side benefit of mindfulness meditation. 

• Meditation practice supports mindfulness, but meditation is not mindfulness; meditation helps train the mind to be in a mindful state. 

Breathing meditation, body scan meditation and loving kindness meditation are three types of meditation practices that increase mindfulness. Guided meditations are a good place for beginning a meditation practice. Search YouTube for guided meditations by Tara Brach (see below), Pema Chodron, Susan Salzburg, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jack Kornfield and Thich Nhat Hanh.

Can STL DBT help me increase my self-compassion?

STLDBT offers two programs that increase self-compassion as a side-benefit of achieving their stated goals: Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Research indicates that MBCT’s approach to developing mindfulness combined with elements of CBT almost assuredly increases self-compassion, which results in reduced risk of recurrent depression and reduces chronic and mild depression. Existing research suggests DBT likely affects self-compassion but only indirect evidence currently exists. DBT combines mindfulness with skills to tolerate distress, regulate emotions and be effective in interpersonal interactions.

A Quick, Shameless Plug:

MBCT is now enrolling participants for two 10 week classes.

Adult MBCT, starts Wednesday, February 2, 6:30 to 8:30 pm
Just for Therapists MBCT, starts Tuesday, February 1, 6:30 to 8:30 pm

Sandra Miller, MSW, LCSW and sometimes blogger, runs our MBCT programs and continues to offer consultation to our therapists. Visit stldbt.com for information on Sandra.