Why is it we sometimes say the nastiest things to the person we love the most?

What makes people who love each other sometimes get really anxious when approaching each other, or leads us to avoid talking about important matters? And more importantly, how can we learn to stop long-standing patterns of destructive conflict, and become skillful and passionate again with our partner?

These are the questions Alan Fruzzetti seeks to answer in his research on how to effectively apply DBT to families and couples.

About Fruzzetti, Marsha Linehan says, “Alan has been working with DBT for 20 years, teaching it and adapting it for couples, families and adolescents …. He is at the forefront of work in this area.” 

Fruzzetti is the Author of The High Conflict Couple: A DBT Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy & Validation a read well worth your time if you’re feeling like you and the apple of your eye could use some skills to improve your relationship (I apologize in advance for the berry bad puns).

Change starts within us, then grows outward

We must commit to improving ourselves and the improvements within our relationship will follow.

Start noticing and describing to create space between you and your judgements.

What is a judgement?

• Comparisons

  • “She didn’t work as hard as me today, she should have to make dinner tonight,”

• Assumptions

  • “He’s going out with his friends to avoid me, he probably thinks I’m not fun anymore,”

How do we stay away from judgements?

• Describe the situation with your five senses

• Imagine the consequences, remembering just the facts

• Watch for shoulds in our thoughts. Shoulds put demands on our thoughts, which can increase our negative thoughts

Validation is Important

Tired of us DBT therapists saying this over and over yet or is it just me?

Validation is a key component to relationship effectiveness in DBT. Validation is, according to Linehan, “Finding the kernel of truth in another person’s perspective or situation,” (p.295 DBT Skills Training Manual). I guess you could say it’s finding the seed of truth, if we’re sticking with my puns.

Validation is acknowledging the reason or emotion behind whatever has occurred, given the context.

For example, your partner may have cancelled your dinner plans, you express to them, “I’m so angry and you’re trying to hurt me on purpose!”

Your partner can validate the emotion (disappointment, anger, loneliness) by acknowledging your emotions. A validating response could look like, “I understand that you are upset that we aren’t getting dinner. I am too, I was looking forward to seeing you. Let’s get desert at Ted Drewes when I’m off?”

See how this situation could have ended much worse? By validating, we can express understanding to our partner, and help preserve our relationship.

How to Validate

To validate, we must first find the facts of a situation. By finding the facts, we can find the common ground that both partners can see. When we validate, we communicate to our partner that we are understanding of the situation, or getting their pearspective.

Validation is a key ingredient in creating a trusting, intimate relationship with your partner. 

Validating doesn’t mean you agree. Validating doesn’t mean you like that the person is doing what they’re doing. Validating is simply understanding the meaning behind the person’s actions.

You can validate that your partner expresses they had a rough day because they got into an argument with their boss, it’s okay to validate the anger and frustration that your partner is having, even if you don’t feel like the situation was handled correctly.

I challenge you to actively listen for moments to validate your partner. When they want to unwind about their day, actively listening and validating the emotions expressed creates an environment where both parties are open to sharing and can feel heard.  The task doesn’t sound too unrasinable, does it?

Relationship Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a core skill we practice in DBT. Mindfulness is being present in the current moment, and being fully aware of your thoughts, sensations, and the situation around you. 

When was the last time you looked at your partner? I mean, really looked and observed (without harsh judgement) their overall presence and beauty in your life? Fruzzetti suggests that being in your partner’s presence can be active or passive.

Passive togetherness, according to Fruzzetti, means we aren’t interacting with our partner and we’re not focusing attention on them. This can occur when you’re both watching Netflix or doing yardwork separately. Sometimes, this can even happen if you both take a walk together, you’re both daydreaming about the day you had, or thinking about all the chores you’ll have to complete when the walk is over. Passive togetherness is not exactly a relationship damaging behavior, however, it does not promote positive attention to one another either.

Imagine if the moments where you are passive with your partner, that you opened up that moment for a moment of togetherness.

Active togetherness, explains Fruzzetti, is allowing yourself to enjoy each other’s company. Being mindful of your partner, what they’re doing, can increase compassion towards them. Commit to being curious about your partner. Agree with your partner to express interest in each other’s worlds.

Being mindful is hard, sometimes our mind drifts to work, other family conflicts, bills, whatever. Notice this, and bring your mind back to your partner.

By staying mindful of your thoughts, sensations, and situation, we can be open to engaging in our partner in a positive way, convey that we’re present, and in the end, curb the lonely feeling that we may feel from not interacting with our partner.

More Mindfulness

Another component of Mindfulness with your partner is knowing about them. This means being aware of longer-term relationship goals and desires.

Yes, we can live with someone, cook with them, and raise a couple kids with them. However, have we ever took the time to check in on their goals, values, and morals? In Buddhist tradition, there is a belief of no self. This means that we are never the same person than we were two seconds ago. Change is the only constant. So, while we think we know our partner, they are also constantly changing just like us. When was the last time you checked in with your partner’s current dreams, rivals, or best friends? 

The Gottman method (not DBT but still effective) promotes creating Love Maps, which I highly recommend looking into. Love Maps help you and your partner explore a deeper level of connection by highlighting important “land marks” in one another’s lives. By creating these love maps and updating them regularly with your partner, you may find that the both of you are in tune with one another on a deeper level. Love Maps foster continuing friendship by provoking questions and deeper conversations.

You can find more info on how to create Love Maps by clicking here

Stay mindful of your goals, if you and your partner think you make a great pear (sorry I had to) commit to using skills whenever you can.

If you feel as though your relationship with your partner could use more skills than discussed here, I highly recommend The High Conflict Couple: A DBT Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy & Validation by Alan Fruzzetti. Or, reaching out to St. Louis DBT’s couple’s expert, Christine Shore MSW, LCSW, for an appointment.