Most of us are fairly good at living by the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” at least as it relates to those closest to us.

Ironically, most of us are not so good at showing ourselves the same compassion we show others.

So why is it so difficult to show the same compassion to ourselves that we show our friends and loved ones? While there are exceptions, to be sure, I think it’s safe to say most Americans are more self-critical than self-compassionate.

Frankly, the notion of self-compassion is so foreign to most of us that it’s hard to know where to begin.

The Idealized Self

We criticize ourselves for eating too much, not exercising enough, not climbing the ladder fast enough, generally failing to live up to our potential.

Most of our self-criticism comes down to one thing. We compare ourselves to some unrealistic, impossible to achieve ideal that exists only in our imagination.

We almost inevitably fail to live up to our idealized selves – the idealized job, family, relationships, house, car and so on.

We almost inevitably fail to live up to our idealized selves – the idealized job, family, relationships, house, car and so on.

These idealized versions of what our lives should be come from comparisons to our peers, caricatures of real people we see on TV and in movies and the excessively lavish lifestyles of the 1%. They also come from our celebrity-crazed culture and an over-emphasis on self-esteem at the expense of self-compassion.

Over-Emphasis on Building Self-Esteem

In a 2002 article in the New York Times Magazine, The Trouble with Self-Esteem, the author writes “It has not been much disputed, until recently, that high self-esteem -- defined quite simply as liking yourself a lot, holding a positive opinion of your actions and capacities -- is essential to well-being and that its opposite is responsible for crime and substance abuse and prostitution and murder and rape and even terrorism.“

Put that way, it seems obvious there is a problem with over-promoting self-esteem. The author draws a similar conclusion. “Based on our beliefs [that building self-esteem is not only positive but necessary for “success”], we have created self-esteem programs in which the main objective is 'to dole out huge heaping’s of praise, regardless of actual accomplishment.'' In other words, the objective is to fuel the idealized self who believes s/he can do anything, anywhere, anytime, thus setting us up to fail.

With each successive failure, we become increasingly resigned to our failed lot in life.

Resignation leads to learned helplessness and ultimately cynicism. “I will never live up to my potential, the system doesn’t work for me and I’m worthless.”

If I give myself even the smallest break (not to mention self-compassion), I will descend into self-pity and any motivation to excel that remains will be lost. I live in constant fear of being found out as an imposter posing as a bright, competent, capable adult.

Self-Acceptance

It is not surprising that depression and anxiety are rampant in our society. What’s needed to counterbalance our over-emphasis on raising self-esteem is a big dose of self-acceptance and self-compassion.

We should be fostering the belief that I’m good enough as I am while encouraging realistic goals – goals that challenge not too much but not too little either.

We should be helping ourselves and others achieve those goals to develop a sense of mastery, fueling the belief “I really am good enough just as I am.”

This would unmask the fallacy of the idealized self and give us permission to be human, to make errors in judgment or be ineffective sometimes, even make mistakes, God forbid. It would release us from the self-created prison of perfectionism.

Every Person Suffers

In addition to self-acceptance, we need to acknowledge that every person suffers in one way or another to differing degrees.

Our society has a way of negating others’ suffering, judging and comparing one person’s suffering to another’s. What child has not been teased? What adult has not missed out on a job they really wanted? What partner has not been hurt in a relationship?

Suffering happens. It is a fact of life.

That doesn’t mean we should wallow in it or give up hope, or turn to blind optimism. Rather, the goal is to maintain constructive hope grounded in what is. In The Difficult Art of Self-Compassion, Maria Popova, writes “I mean hope bolstered by critical thinking that is clear-headed in identifying what is lacking, in ourselves or the world, but then envisions ways to create it and endeavors to do that.”

With self-compassion, we can acknowledge our suffering, validate it, love it for giving us the opportunity to grow and then let it go. How difficult would it be to teach ourselves to accept and validate our own suffering? How would it feel to have compassion for our own suffering as we do for our friends’ and families’ suffering?

Loving Ourselves

Then there are the trickiest questions of all.

Can we truly be kind to others if we are unkind to ourselves? How can I accept kindness from another if I don’t believe I’m worthy of kindness? How can we know what genuine compassion is if we have not experienced self-compassion? What does it mean to accept and love another if we do not accept and love ourselves? There are some who believe we can. Myself, I doubt it.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin, offers a wide range of tools for cultivating self-compassion on her website, including a self-administered test to find out how self-compassionate you are, guided meditations and exercises. She has spent decades pioneering research into self-compassion.

Using evidence-based practices, she has developed an 8-week program to teach self-compassion skills. The program, co-created with her colleague Chris Germer, affiliated with Harvard Medical School, is called Mindful Self-Compassion. Most recently, Kristin Neff & Brené Brown have collaborated to offer an online course in cultivating self-compassion.

Dr. Neff has developed an instrument to test how self-compassionate you are. If you are curious, take the test now. 

1. Dr. Neff offers audio guided meditations you can use to cultivate compassion.   

2. Below you will find two exercises you can use to cultivate your own self compassion.  More exercises can be found on Dr. Neff’s website.   

Sandra Miller, MSW, LCSW and sometimes blogger, runs the MBCT programs that STL DBT has the pleasure of hosting. To participate in one of Sandra’s workshops, please inquire more at www.stldbt.com and schedule a consultation today.